How to Not Get Mugged

Most people have watched crime shows like Law and Order or CSI: Crime Scene Investigation at least once. We all know that every crime show has to at least air an episode where someone gets mugged in a dark dingy alley. And for many of us, especially the ladies, it strikes fear into our hearts as we walk around the streets of New York with our wallets full and our skirts skimpy. So with a creative imagination and tons of crack, I have devised a how-to list of escaping those damn muggers.

Method 1: Running Away

Out of all my methods, this is probably the best one. Now, I only recommend this one if your mugger has a knife or is bare-fist (you can't run faster than bullets, no matter how hard you try). Usually a mugger will approach you from a distance and tell you to "cough it up". Check to see if your mugger has a gun. If he doesn't, then do the following:

PICK UP YOUR ASS AND WING IT. Turn the other direction and just RUN. Your adrenaline should help you run fast, but you never know if the mugger is a marathon runner. So to be secure, scream as loud as a howing monkey. Just scream out expletives, and make a huge commotion. And to add a spice to it, make it up.

"CRINKLE-FUCKING BAT-SHIT. TWO GIRLS ONE CUP. I'M GETTING MUGGED. HELP!"

Method 2: Psychosis

This method takes some steel balls, but if done correctly it should work on most muggers. The idea is to scare your mugger until he's the one implementing Method 1. Now, just like the previous method, this one works better when the mugger has no gun. Hell, every method works better without a gun - gun's are fucking cheap. Damn h@x0rz.

This is what you do: when your mugger confronts you, act totally calm and look him straight in the eyes. After he asks you "what the fuck you looking at dick", start to pretend that you are having a seizure. Haven't you ever seen House or any other medical drama on T.V.? Seizures scare the shit out of people (it certainly scares me at least) because no one knows that the hell to do with the person. So right in the dark alley, fall on the floor and do your thing. Just go crazy: contorting your arms, speaking fast gibberish, and imitating the old man from Exorcist. If it's done correctly, the mugger will probably jet away in no time.

There is one catch though. Your mugger might rob you while you're in a "seizure". Though, if anyone is that big enough of a dick to rob people in seizures, then he'd probably do worse things to you when you were facing him (butt rape).

Method 3: Dick Wiggle

Now I warn you, this one takes the biggest nerves but it will no doubt mind-fuck your mugger until he's on his deathbed. And then possibly more after that. This method is more exclusive, because it only works if you, the victim, are a guy and if your mugger is a guy also. It's simple and pure: whip our your ching chong, and dance.

So it's the same scenario, but this time it can work if your mugger has a gun. When you're reaching down for your wallet, instead of getting it pull down your zipper. As your mugger is going "what the hell", flip out your ching chong and let it hang for a few seconds. Just look at it, then back at your mugger, than at it, then back at your mugger again.

"Give me yo...WHAT THE FUCK. PUT THAT AWAY. Jesus H. Mary and Joseph born in a manger read the bible Christ!"

Flashing your mugger in the most obscene manner is not only extremely hilarious, but extremely effective. If you don't believe me, go to Compton and hang out at a corner until someones tries to mug you. I guarantee you that it will work 99% of the time, satisfaction guaranteed.


...Of course, unless your mugger is gay. He will probably then mistake that for a welcome sign, which means you, my friend, will be having a sore week after that.