Random Rant

I'm going to have a random rant today. It's March 16, 2009 , and I've seen more bullshit than I regularly do. Not drama. Not break-ups. Stupid people. And stupid furniture. So follow me on this journey of bitter hatred and horrid comedy ;D

So I wake up right? I fucking smack my face on the sofa. Turns out last night I passed out (for reasons I will not disclose) and ended up sleeping next to a sofa. A smart man would've slept ON the sofa for it would be more comfortable and suitable, but I am not a smart man. I am a genius...man (broke the parallelism, dang). And we geniuses refuse to indulge on the niceties of pop culture! To hell with sofas!

What am I saying? I love sofas!

So my forehead is hurting, but at least I'm awake. Now, I have to freaking study for 30 minutes on math because I have a final. My dad, being the "genius", is testing me. On the same type of questions. That I am consistently getting right. Without even batting my eyes. DAMN IT MAN!

So after the studying, I go take my shower. FINALLY, I get to step into my crappy shower room, take a beating from overheated water, dry off with an inadequate towel, and head bang for a minute so my hair is dry. To make it a little better though, I did turn on KROQ while I was drying off. Unfortunately, I missed the funny parts. $%#&!

I'm resting in the car with my dad driving, and the radio is turned on with nice music. Finally, my day is looking good. I'm comfortable, I'm prepared for the test, and Red Hot Chili Peppers are playing. What else can I ask for? Then my dipshit dad decides to start testing me on...math. -.-

I'm out of the car and walking towards my math class. Along the way, an idiot decides that spitting gum near people is cool. This idiot also has bad trajectory skills with his mouth. So there I am, being hassled by the wind, and a large blob of gum speeds my way. With my ninja-cat-Bush skills, I dodge it, but end up stubbing my toe on a RANDOM BRICK ON THE FLOOR. What are the chances?

I finish my math final early, and hopefully with an A, and walk to get some delicious and utterly nutritious Hot Cheetohs. The vending machine, however, decided to fuck with me by spitting out my quarters. It didn't just drop it into the "here's your spare change loser" compartment. It actually SPAT out my quarters from the place you insert it. So instead of eating delicious red Cheetohs, I'm dodging quarters for the sake of my well-being.

Grumbling over the quarters-cheetoh's incident, I go on to take my English final. When I get my grade back, it seems I got a B...for disagreeing with my professor. This person, who will remain unnamed for fears that I will uncontrollably bash my computer due to anger, attempts to teach a philosophy course and not an ENGLISH class - as the course title states. How do you know she is a poor philosopher? Just ask her about why she thinks "kicking robot dogs is bad".

What-the-fuckery indeed.

I'm at the hospital doing volunteer work, and I'm doing the normal. Not working. As I secretly sit in the magazine reading interesting articles, my chair decides that today it will fuck with me, as if I haven't had enough. So it decides to scare the crap out of me and momentarily swing back REALLY REALLY FAR. Thinking the world is going to end, I jump out of my comfortable position and prepare to kick my chair Bruce Lee style. No fear, as it has already toppled over, hitting over the 6054 foot stack of magazines. Great, more to clean and organize.

I'm finally at home, and I just got in an argument with my parents. Apparantley, my mom thinks playing violent video games makes you violent. As I tell her things about situationalization and common fucking sense, she decides that jogging around and proclaiming her awesomeness is the best debating style since...ever.

And here I am at the end of my disastrous tale. Sometimes, life's a dick.

Living Forever is a Con Job

Immortality. Humanity has always had a wet dream when thinking about it. From the Fountain of Youth to Botox, we never seem to escape the idea. Just look at our romantic movies, where age is depicted as a dick - always killing our loves and wasting our time. Think of the wild possibilities one has when they can live forever and never die! Skydiving will be a breeze and totally a option! Pogo sticking on the Grand Canyon will be the next fad! AIDs isnt' a concern when you're banging hot chicks!

But is it all what it's hyped to be? I stand firm by my position: immortality sucks. And here are only a few reasons why:

#1 - Relationships turn mediocre, then crap

We've all seen those heartfelt movies like The Notebook. How can anyone not cry in that movie? They both die in the end! In each others arms! At the same time! With shitfaced expressions reminiscent of orgasms resulting from old people having sex! If only time stopped right? Wrong.

Look at it this way. If you were immortal, then you live forever. That translates to infinity. Now I know some of you have tried to memorize all of pie, but by the 200,000th digit you might have caught on to the fact that it will NEVER END. Apply this to relationships. Let's say you meet the girl of your dreams. You two get married, have a family, everything goes well, yay. 100 Years later, your wife is dead and your kids are soon looking like you. Another woman comes by, and you two fall in love. Repeat this process. After she's dead, you meet yet another woman.

Look bub, the world is diverse. I get that. But when you have an infinite amount of relationships, 6 billion people doesn't look so daunting anymore Plain and simple - you will become bored. Bored out of your fucking mind with people. You would have met every type of person there ever was. Preps. Dumb blondes. Jocks. Every damn cliche on the internet - you've met. Soon, you're reduced to a anti-social, unfunny, unsexy, House. So much for immortality.

#2 - You're bedridden and humanity is dead

So let's say you catch a crippling disease. Unfortunately for you, while you can't die since you are immortal, the pain and suffering you get from the disease hurt you like hell (obviously). Even worse, science has yet to find a cure for it. So while most cancer patients die in pain after several decades, you're stuck on bed till God knows when. But it's not that bad right? I mean, technology exponentially increases so all we gotta do is wait, si? Well...

Humankind has the proud fact of constantly killing itself. Look at the World Wars and even the Iraq War. What most of us forget is how easy humanity can be wiped out. During the Cuban Missile Crisis, America was close to engaging Soviet Russia in a nuclear war. What does a nuclear war mean? It means so many nuclear weapons are exploded that the fallout literally fucks the atmosphere, which in turn fucks all life on Earth.

But you. There you are, stuck on a barren, lifeless Earth strapped to your bed in agnoizing pain. WAITING for the scientific breakthrough that the rocks and dust will somehow achieve. You sit there for billions upon billions of years for two things to happen. Either abiogenesis and evolution (both very SLOW processes) to happen on Earth again until intelligent beings come about, or you wait for intergalatic alien civilization to come down and heal you (if they don't probe your ass first).

#3 - Sex sucks

This one is pretty self-explanatory. I mean, sex is good. No doubt about it. But what about sex over the period of infinite years? You may get very good at it, but you'll no doubt get BORED. Tits are nothing now, you've seen a million of them. Vagina's? Come on, exotic butter seems more tantalizing. Buttocks? Oh please, get me some dog meat from China.

The thing is, sex will become mundane and boring. Porn will be nonchalant, and masturbation will be a thing of the past. And by past I mean trillions of years ago. No longer will you look down at your genitals and smile in wonder of who made it. You'll just treat it like an abusive father - cursing at yourself for making sex boring.

#4 - The universe and you

According to many physicists, a possible "death scenario" for the universe is the Big Crunch. Basically, what happens is that the Universe will recollapse into itself back to the singularity from which it came. It's really a reversed-Big Bang. Everything in existence will go bye-bye, no matter how strong it may be. Except you.


There you are, floating in spac...well not really. You're just *there*. You are blind because there is nothing to see. You are deaf because there is nothing to hear. You can't feel anything but yourself. You are devoid of sense and tortured for eternity with your own thoughts.

You.

...so. How's thoughts of immortality now :D?



--
And acknowledgments to Katie Lee for spotting a spelling mistake. No matter how small the error, I thank thee :).

Featured DoucheBag(s) - McKay Hatch

In Pasadena, California, a highschool student by the name of McKay Hatch has started a "No Cussing week". It's pretty much what it sounds like: students are encouraged to not cuss at all. He actually started this in 2008, but this year the event's been attracting more attention. In fact, he actually got to write a book on the experience. I'm here to call him out: you're a fucking dick.

Reasons why Cussing shouldn't be avoided

1. Swearing helps people relieve stress, especially at workplaces and home. I think we can all relate to this - a good batch of "damn" and "fuck my ass" never hurt anyone with an open-mind. So who would do away with cussing if it helps to relieve stress and make the world better? Bitches like McKay.

2.. Words are simply the carriers of meaning, of language. So eventually, words will change meaning. It's not like words are inherently evil. For example, did you know the word attic used to mean vagina? Yeah, think how that conversation works out:

Woman: Want to help me clean up my attic Bob, it's so dirty!
Man: Sure Lizzy, I'll help you clean it up in no time!

Sick bastards.

3. People always say that cuss words are "bad". This implies that curse words are inherently evil, which is bollocks. It's not the word that is evil but the intent behind it. If I jokingly said "you fucking idiot" and hit your arm lightly, then everyone knows it's in a light-hearted manner. Hell, it probably makes people feel better. However, if I say with a cold stare and no expression that "you are annoying", then hearts get torn.

4. It's cool

"The most bitchy kid in the world"

Fuck you McKay Hatch, fuck you.

Pleasure of Pooping

So I was talking to a friend of man on AIM one night, and this conversation happened. I've edited the unnecessary parts, to show you the core of what I'm trying to reveal:

Me: you eat. poop. eat. ITS AN ENDLESS CYCLE

Her: pooping and eating....

Her: pooping is the more sad part

Her: i dont like pooping

WHAT THE HELL?!

Kid's, let me break this down for you. Pooping is AWESOME. I mean seriously, it's borderline euphoric! That means pleasurable, for the dunces of the class :)

Let me give you a real-case example that most of you can relate to. You're on your computer writing an essay late at night. It's due tomorrow morning and you procrastinated until now, you lazy bastard. Planning to do an all-nighter (because everyone knows that's cool), you ate a big tuna sandwich while drinking a can of Coke. SUDDENLY, you feel your bowl move. Oh shit, you got to shit! But you are on the second to last paragraph and you really got your flow. You got your groove. It's one of those moments where everything is coming into place, and your fingers have left you behind; they type at the speed of sound and your keyboard is literally shaking. But damn, you got to poop.

So now you're at the point where you can feel the bulge of the crap widening your butthole. You stand up because sitting down is down-right weird feeling, and you're still typing. You start to break a sweat and your eyes dart between the toilet and your about-to-be-finished paragraph. What a dilemma! Deciding that the essay needs to go, you're fingers are literally going at it. The keyboard is flying in the air, pieces are flying off, and a hint of smoke is arising from your computer. And you finish. It's the second-best feeling you've ever had, and you pack your ass and dart for the bathroom. Who cares about locking the door? You slam that damn thing and begin to take off your garments. But oh my god, did you crap in your pants?

Once you get it off you hold the poop a little longer to check your undergarments. Flip it around and over, is it there? Thank god, probably not. But you're just at the breaking point you have to crap. So nothing caring about the coldness of the toilet seat that usually takes preparation to sit on, you plop your fat ass on the toilet and LET IT ALL OUT. In a second it comes out. And here is the feeling I've been talking about it. IT'S AMAZING. You feel such a rush in your body it's unexplainable. The world is yours, you can do anything! That essay? Don't even think about it. Your future career? Screw that. Your plummeting grades? What grades!

Take your ecstasy and heroine, I've got my poop.

"This ain't chocolate baby."

5 More Big Questions That Are Actually Stupid

Hear the angels sing and the heavens roar! SAMUEL CHEN IS HERE. Today, I will be presenting 5 MORE stupid big philosophical-ish questions that your common folk ask themselves. It's quite annoying when you hear complaints such as these, because the answer is so simple and obvious. So without further a due, let's get down to business! To defeat, the Huns! Alright no more Mulan...

#5 - What is love?

Practically every girl asks this question. What is love? What is the warm fuzzy feeling when I see Samuel Chen stride like a gracious lion in the prairie? Many attempts at rationalizing this phenomenon happen over AIM, usually with stupid conclusions on both sides. Or perhaps during a sleep over, where close friends have an intimate talk. The topic of love comes up, and they spill their thoughts on what constitutes "real love". Today, I am wiping all that bullshit off like a car screen wiper does to a bug.

LIKING someone and LOVING someone is the same thing. Yup, there is no distinction. People always say "oh I like him, but I don't LOVE him". Ladies and gentlemen, all that means is that you don't LIKE person X as much as you would if you LOVED someone. Like and love is the same (being attracted to someone for whatever reason) but in just different degrees. For example:

Crush - lowest degree of attraction
Like - middle degree (boyfriends, etc.)
Love - highest degree (longtime spouse, etc.)

There is nothing qualitatively different about love, only quantitatively. That meaning there is nothing different between love and likes, only the amount. So next time you find your friend writing a corny poem about love, sharpie over it and tell them LOVE AIN'T NOTHING SPECIAL.

"Hi, I'm Love! I eat brains!"

#4 - Why is the world so "fine-tuned" for man's existence?

This time of question should sound familiar when dealing with your daily Christian fundamentalist - Christian. Yet, sometimes the troubled teenager asks himself this question as he delicately slices his wrists. Why is the world seemingly so fine-tuned? If gravity was a little stronger, we'd all be squashed into pieces or flying every time we fart. If water was only toxic, we'd be fucked for the rest of eternity plus one. If bees decided to grow 50x taller and sting like Rambo on cops, then we'd be dead in no time. So why is the universe so perfectly made for us?

BECAUSE IT ISN'T. You'd think humans are sorta cocky, but when someone thinks the entire universe was manufactured just for the tiny speck of a species called Homo Sapien, then they have some serious ego problems. Let me break it down for you:

We live on Earth. Earth is a planet.
Earth is planet of a solar system.
This solar system has 8 known planets, 166 known moons, 5 dwarf planets, and billions of small bodies.
This solar system is part of the Milky Way galaxy.
The Milky Way galaxy, besides us, holds around 200-400 billion stars.
The Milky Way galaxy is part of the universe.
The universe contains 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 galaxies (ten billion trillion).

So, do we matter to the universe? HELL NO. And yet, people still ask this stupid question. So again, let's put on our thinking caps:

Scenario 1: The universe exists, but humans don't.
Scenario 2: The universe exists, but humans do.

Now let me ask you something, does the universe need for humans to exist? HELL NO! In place of humans can be bipedal sex aliens whose only purpose is to bang (some would argue that this exists in the form of men). "Humans" could have turned out very differently, but we obviously wouldn't have been there to view it as we are now. So stop your goddamn pondering and go fix me a tuna sandwich.

"I'm waiting"

#3 - Do I exist?

Talk about troubling questions...what kind of teenager wonders if he/she exists? This question usually comes across to people who usually aren't obsessed about sex, romances, and looks. It's a simple question, and I seriously don't have a clue why people even ask this dumb question.

These kiddo's ask "hey, what if I don't exist?". What if you don't exist? What if it's all an illusion? THEN YOU'RE STUPID. The question of whether or not one exists is arcane because it's been refuted long time ago by Rene Descartes:

You can think you are something/existing. You may be something else, like a sex alien or a brain floating in a vat.
But you are still thinking. Therefore you (aka "I") exists in some type of form.
Therefore you exist.

If you haven't heard this before, then perhaps the more famous version of it will ring a bell: I think, therefore I am (Latin is Cogito, ergo sum). So next time you think you're cool and hip by saying "I think, therefore I am", think about learning the damn philosophy behind it dipwad.

"We think, therefore we're gay"

#2 - Can animals understand me(humans)?

This is perhaps a popular question/comment among those who own pets. Pet enthusiasts spill their orgasmic tales of how smart or cool their pet is. They talk about the thrills of interacting with their genius dog or their incredibly cute cat. They boast at their pet's intelligence, and it's ability to seemingly understand human language. What they don't realize, is that they are full of shit.

Only humans are capable of language. People may be surprised at this, at protest by giving examples of bees and dolphins, but that's only animal communication. To have language, you need a much higher "level" of interaction and understanding, like syntax. Why do you think humans are able to create such a diverse amount of sentences and words from not so many letters? Besides the answer that we're fucking awesome, it's because our brain is large and useful.

So can animals understand human language? Not really. They can react to human words, like "sit" or "bark", but they don't understand them. When you tell them to sit, they won't understand whatthefux that means. It's usually through Pavlovian conditioning when they respond. For example:

A bell rings and a steak is given
The dog eats the steak
A bell rings and a steak is given
The dog eats the steak R
epeat this tons of fucking more times...
The bell rings and NO steak is given
The dog salivates and waits for steak

TADA! That's how animal training happens. You associate an event or object with a desired effect. So when a new dog pisses, you smack it and tell him to piss on some newspapers. When he does, you give him a cookie. Eventually, he gets the hang of it.

So I'm sorry, but your pet is not that special at all.

"Not pictured: Smart"

#1 - Does he/she like me?

No.

You.

Insane WW2 Weapons - Part 2

And we're back! This is the second part of my Insane WW2 Weapons miniseries...oh shit that sounded so cool :). In the previous post I showed you guys two insane WW2 weapons, and it'll be no different in this one. Also, while in the last post it had one insane weapon from two different countries, this post will feature Nazi Germany only. So screw introductions, on to the bad-assery!

Wind Cannon

Alright, I'm going to give you 5 seconds to think what the "Wind Cannon" was. GO!

*waits for 5 seconds*

Let me me guess, you think it's a gigantic cannon that shot large bursts of air? HAHA are you really that naive? Do you really think anyone would think an enormous cannon shooting pockets of air would feasibly work? Unfortunately, you're fucking correct.

"Dudes, I think it's backwards"

In World War 2, the Germans spend their money on technology on money as if they had it all. Consequently, the amount of papers filed into their "Retarded Inventions" folder nearly flooded. One of these inventions was the Wind Cannon - it was a basically a giant freaking cannon that shot giant freaking jets of compressed air. It's goal was to shoot down enemy aircraft, and the Germans even put it on a bridge over the Elbe... but it had no success. As the website I got the information states, it's shaped like a " broken pea-shooter lying askew. " Leave it to an obscure website about super guns to make this gigantic air-shooting monstrosity seem like a child's play toy.

While the reports are scarce, intelligence says that the Germans were inspired to make this gun after playing an intense game of Pokemon.

"Hell yeah"

Bachem Ba 349

It's 1943 and the Allies have air superiority, even over the Reich. Germany, who once had the most powerful air force in the world (till they got owned by the Brits), decided they needed to do something to counter the heavy American bombers. They first tried the now successful surface-to-air missiles, which are basically missiles shot from the ground that target aircraft. However, technology back then meant that they had a few obstacles that they still could not figure out. So, being the intellectual geniuses the Germans were, they decided to create this:

Pictured: Creations by pot-influenced Germans

If you haven't figured it out, the Germans decided to create a freaking rocket-powered interceptor. Now, you're probably thinking, "but SamuelTheGreat, tons of planes have rockets in their behind!". Yes, I know that, but the Bachem Ba 349 is different. It IS the rocket. If you look at the picture, the plane is not set up how it usually is. With it's nose pointed up and it's ass on the ground, this plane was meant to be rocketed up into the air like a space shu ttle. Once it reaches a certain height, it oh so gently glides down shooting American bombers with the rockets found in it's nose (the front part). After it reaches a low altitude the pilot ejects out of the plane and lets it crash - thus a rocket plane.

In fact, sometimes the pilots were instructed to crash their plane into bombers like a German-kamikaze. Of course, they had to test the damn thing, which always gets in the face of ingenuity and shit-crazy ideas. To do this, they got experienced test pilot Lothar Sieber to fly it. And of course, HE DIED. After this the plane was cancelled.

"Hi, my name is Lother Sieber, and I'm going to die today!"

Insane WW2 Weapons - Part 1

For those of us who live in America, we have to face the facts: as a nation, we are pretty damn stupid. As if that wasn't bad enough, we have the nerve to be the cockiest country on the planet since...well ever. With biased Hollywood films to a very American-European centered view in our history books, many Americans believe we play a bigger role in the world than we actually do. Now don't get me wrong, we are still one bad ass motherfucker, being a hyperpower (sole superpower of the world) and all. We also have the largest GDP (13 trillion bitches!) along with the strongest military currently in the world. You'd think we'd be God right?

Even though right now the economy is shittier than Michael Jackson's decaying nose, some Americans believe that we were ALWAYS this awesome. For example, many Americans believe that we were the saviors for the Europeans in WW2 with D-Day and anything with Tom Hanks. However, history teaches that it's the Russians who did all the work while we invaded small countries like a pussy. Another misconception is that people tend to think that the atomic bomb is the craziest weapon of WW2. While we should get our due credit for creating one of the most powerful weapons, we certainly don't top the charts for the most insane WW2 weapons.

Project Habakkuk

The name being inspired from a verse in the Bible, Project Habakkuk was the name for the British project that planned to create an aircraft carrier out of a material called Pykrete. This was a material that was 14% sawdust and 86% ice. Wait, what the fuck. ICE?

"Hey James...what if we made this out of an ice cube?"

When the Germans started to sink a lot of British ships with their U-boats, the British started to panic. And of course, everyone knows that thinking is best done when one is sweating a pool and shitting stones. So the British gathered up what dignity they had left and proposed a 2,000 ft. long ship-o-ice. Supposedly, if the ship were to sustain damage from torpedoes, it's crew can repair it from the ocean itself. Since, ya know, the ocean has a lot of fucking water.

Eventually the project was scrapped, citing reasons such as preferring conventional aircraft carriers and trouble getting the right engines. But we all know that really, the leaders in Parliament saw the idea on a chart and just thought this:

"Dudes, you thinking what I'm thinking?"

Anti-tank Dogs

The British weren't the only crazy ones, the Russians had to get a part of the retardedness. In response to the German tanks, the Russians devised a plan to have dogs run under the bottom of tanks which would trip an explosive - killing the poor dog and the tank. Now, no normal dog would run under a gigantic rolling machine of steel death, but these Russian dogs were conditioned. The Russians would train the dogs by starving them for a few days, then releasing the dogs to have them find dog food under a tank. Do this a couple times, and you'll have a pack of dogs who think a big juicy ribeye is stuck under every tank tread.

Food

Surprisingly enough, these dogs-of-doom actually worked. Several hundred tanks were disabled, and the Germans were so fed up they were ordered to shoot any dog in sight. However, because dogs are much smaller and faster than humans, they were much harder to kill. To solve this, the Germans had to install freaking flamethrowers to thwart the strategy - but many still came. It was all going fine until a released batch of hungry and explosive dogs went after a Soviet division, making them retreat for an entire battle.

What's bad is that not only is every PETA-activist screaming at the top of their lungs, it leaves a bad memory for Americans. How can we ever think of Lassie again, now that we know she might blow us into pieces?

"Stay the fuck away Lassie."