5 Big Questions That Are Actually Stupid

Since the dawn of philosophy man has always asked big questions. What's the meaning of life? Who am I? Why do I get NRBs (no reason boner)? Many of these questions are legitimate and countless debates have sprouted upon it. However, along with the dawn of philosophy came the dawn of fucktards. And, of course, what came along with the dawn of fucktards is the dawn of stupid philosophical big questions.

#5 - Do we have free will?

If you've read my post on free will, then I should've made the distinction clear: no bitches, you gots no free will. There are only two types of interactions in this universe: cause and effect + randomness (quantum mechanics). Cause and effect should be simple to understand. The reason why you decided to slap you computer when it lagged was because when you were a baby your parents gave you what you want thus making you spoiled and impatient. What made your parents so lenient was the traumautic effect their abusive parents had on them, thus making both of your parents secretly resolve to raise their kids in the nicest way possible. The reason both your parent's parents were abusive is because...etc. Basically, it all goes back to the Big Bang. Randomness should be easier to understand. My hand randomly slapping you isn't my fault - unless you're a douche (or I'm sneaky). What does that mean for you? NO FREE WILL. *pat pat*

#4 - What is happiness?

You've been searching your entire life for the answer to this question. You've read up on philosophers, attended debates and seminars, traveled the world, and did the dumbest shit imaginable (like meditate - wtf mate?). What you don't realize is that the meaning to happiness is that there isn't any. LOLCATZ. Sorry bub, but there ain't some metaphysical queeriness to happiness - it's just a subjective meaning. Happiness is what makes YOU happy. If eating tons of food makes you uber happy, then go for it fatty. If kicking the crap out of people in cages makes you feel euphoric, then go ahead but the stay the fuck away from me. Even if you like doing the dirty with a horse, that's totally cool. Just never come up behind me. Ever.

#3 - What happens when I die?

Well you emo bastard, here's how it goes for us scientists:

First you go into liver mortis, where basically your cells have no oxygen and blood so they crowd on the top and bottom parts of your body. So while the top half of your body is pale as Dracula, your back is as black and bruised as can be. Then, your muscle cells go into aerobic respiration and create lactic acid, which basically means you're as stiff as a YOUKNOWHAT *HINTHINT.* This is where the fun starts: decomposition.

From days 0-3, the first thing to happen is for your bacteria in your intestines start to chew through your innards. Once they break through, the hydochloric acid in your stomach bursts out and starts to melt other organs. Also, many flies are attracted to the smell of death and start to plant eggs in you. Basically, you look normal outside but you're being organ-fucked.

From days 4-10, your body starts to create smelly-as-hell gases. Basically, the inside of your body is farting. This causes your body to inflate and for more body liquids to ooze out your body cavity. What does this mean for the insects and flies? They love it. Maggots are in the perfect breeding ground (where your stomach use to be) and even more flies are bound to come.

From days 10-20, your body decomposes so much that it starts to look black and basically all-out disgusting. Your formerly infalted body collapses and your flesh becomes so creamy it's like cottage cheese. More insects come and have a feast on you along with mites, all of which help to consume your decaying flesh.

From days 20-50, your flesh has disappeared and you're just dry bones and shit. You start to have a "cheesy" smell from butyric acid. I don't know what that word means, but I can see the connection between "cheesy smell" and "BUTTyric acid". By this time, the maggots are useless because they can't eat through hard things like tissue and tendons. Thank God right? Wrong. Beetles start to fucking show up and eat tough materials such as ligaments. Nature is a persistent bitch.

Finally, from days 50-365 its just your bones and some left behinds. Some types of moths and bacteria will eat away at your hair, and your bones will for the most part be left along unless some large animal comes by.

Oh, I'm sorry were you looking for the afterlife somewhere? Sorry bub, the only thing that happens after your death is a long and digusting 1-year process of body decomposition ;D

#2 - What is the meaning of life?

We've all heard this one. There's always some melancholy bastard on AIM who has some corny poem in their profile (that everyone compliments because they secretly all think it sucks). "What is the meaning of life", people lament, "Why am I here?". I PITY THE FOOLS.

There is no objective meaning to life. In fact, just like happiness, there is no "real" subjective meaning to life also. Life is, essentially, meaningless. So why even bother living and not killing yourself? Well besides the psychological inhibitions against suicide, you should just live life. Give it your own meaning, a subjective one. If your meaning of life is to be happy, like me, then go by your means to do it. If the meaning of life is to be a pornstar, then start applying and thinking of a nickname (mine will be Maximus Penises borrowed from Maximus Decimus from Gladiator).

#1 - Does God Exist?

No.